I was going to fill this entry with loads of ranty stuff because recently it seems that on here that is the direction that most of my posts are heading, but I deleted it and thought let’s try a different tact.
I will be honest and admit it has left me at a loss…I have sat here for the past half an hour writing out beginning sentences and then deleting them, most of them start getting negative pretty quicky…why is this?
I don’t know what it says about me but I do worry about the fact that I find it easier to conjure up a negative thought quicker than I can a positive one. I think it has something to do with how to make it through certain parts of your life, I am currently working hard on getting my career where I want it to be as well as saving with my fiance for a house so I’m not really ‘at’ a particular stage in my life. I think that it’s easier to be critical and negative while working towards something because you are prepared to get yourself back up and dust yourself off if you fall because one part doesn’t quite work out.
What I think I need to establish though is a sense of equilibrium, although it is important to be realistic about situations I may find myself in and all possible outcomes, I still need to have enough positivity and drive to get me to those places in the first place. I am sorry if this is getting too deep and meaningful for some of you but I have to be honest and say that I really do just use this blog sometimes as a stream of consciousness. I literally start typing and see what I come up with, I also know that not many of you read this, but somehow it makes me feel better knowing that someone somewhere just might read it and think something…
I am not an inherently negative person, in fact I am usually the opposite, but what does happen from time to time is that I will find myself in a rut, now these can vary from emotional ruts to work related or even simply mental blocks. All of them affect me in different ways but it all leads to me relying on the same old negative emotion.
How do I get myself out of this rut guys?! I have booked an awesome hol (which I have previously harped on about in another entry. I am disgusted with myself….) but I am not sure if that’s enough. I am slowly moving forward, I passed my QTS literacy skills test today which is one more step closer to becoming the qualified version of what I already am! I also have started looking at buying a house with my fiance and we have in mind what we are looking for so on that front I think we are at least moving in the right direction. But I just cant quit that sense of urgency, that it’s still not enough…for example I have yet to pass my driving test.
No, that’s not a joke, I am nearly 27 and I still don’t own my own car, what is wrong with me? I am meant to be an adult now and make all these adult decisions but I still think that I am 18 in my head! I always thought it would all just click, you would just get to a certain age and you would do whatever the next logical step would be…I have friends who have 6-year-old children!! Most of my friends are either married or pregnant…is it weird that I still don’t feel even remotely ready for that?? Why am I weird?!?
As you can see from the fragmented structure of my writing and the lack of coherency I genuinely struggle with adulthood, I have things in my life that are good and working well but I’ll be fucked if I think I have it worked out, because I genuinely don’t. I still want to sit in and watch crappy tv at the weekends, I still like going to the cinema with my friends and not having to worry about anything other than what film I am going to see, I can deal with those decisions, they don’t bring me out in hives.
When I went for my QTS skills test at the weekend I panicked and faffed, simply because I knew that this test was important, it would help me move onto another stage of my career. I only passed my maths GCSE in August of last year, 5 bloody times I had to take it! I am so bad at maths its untrue (no. honestly, you lose me after the number 10) but I stressed and cried and battled until I finally passed. I now have to pass another bloody maths test (the QTS numeracy test) in order to get onto a training course, I will (undoubtedly) cry and struggle as I always do but I will keep working my arse off to pass it. But it matters, that’s why I get so pent-up about these things…they matter.
RARRRRRRR!!! I told you I would get all serious and shit!! I cannot help myself can I?!
Anyways, I apologise about this schizophrenic entry but please, if there is anything that you can make sense of or anything you can relate to please feel free to comment.
Until the next time,